I have been sitting with the idea of loyalty for a little while, holding it lightly, noticing and wandering. I have come to the conclusion, at this time, it is an intrinsic part of our evolutionary journey.
I know it is generally deemed a ‘positive’ quality for want of a better word, someone who is loyal to you is considered to be trustworthy, and reliable.....and yet, I also know from personal experience that loyalty to an individual or ideology, family, a company....can also be toxic to our growth. Let’s start at the individual level.........loyalty to your partner, the commitment you make is a good thing, for creating solid foundations. Yet if it leads to sacrificing who you are to keep the peace, or not being emotionally honest, then it is toxic. If the family has a covert or overt agreement that the individual needs are sacrificed for the benefit of the whole, that is most often toxic also, to a greater or lesser degree. Why? Because the whole is made richer through the unique individuals it is comprised of, not their dismissal due to difference. And a healthy family system, regardless of cultural factors, respects the individuals as well as the whole… everyone has something to offer that benefits them & the whole. This is not dissimilar to an organisation..........one that requires its employees to subsume their own nature, to the benefit of the its monetary success, or its own outcomes, is most often not respecting the human being. Sometimes this is covert, as psychological sophistication will lead many to use the right words, to hide nefarious agendas. This brings to mind corporate speak, honestly I feel like I am listening to another language sometimes, and what strikes me most as an outsider, is the degree to which it is disconnected from emotional honesty. Therefore making it possible to be loyal to an ideology that is a disconnect from your own values, without a second thought….and also if we’re working in this kind of environment 5days a week, we can carry this way of being into our personal relationships. Being a great lawyer may be beneficial in the courtroom, but, will be detrimental to intimate relationships. For me, the litmus test is, if loyalty to an organisation, ideology or group, means betraying my authentic expression, then, it is not worth the sacrifice. This is the same for individual relations, our loyalty to our Soul (true) nature, actually makes us more trustworthy, and allows for more enjoyable relationships, ones that are not entangled in unrealistic expectations. When we put Soul first, and make a commitment to be loyal to that which lies within, this will lead to a more fulfilling life that benefits us and the whole. One step, one day at a time.
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Traumatic events impact us in many ways. The effects can be obvious or subtle, often both. Most importantly, the trauma is that they change our relationship with our Self & the world. Substance use, for example, is often a coping mechanism, for our inability to deal with stuck/denied emotions from our past, that we experience as a tsunami in the present.
“Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences, and boundaries.” Peter Walker, Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving,2013 Walker coined the term ‘fawning’ to describe what he observed to be a fourth type of response to threat, along with fight, flight, and freeze. Fawning involves changing our behaviour or holding back on our opinions and desires to please another person, and to avoid any conflict. It often develops in early childhood when a traumatic event has been perpetrated by a parent or primary caregiver (Walker). To survive the child may neglect/dismiss/deny their own feelings, opinions, wants, and needs. So, the important thing to note here is due to its early development, it will likely be unconscious to us. It significantly distorts our world perception and creates a pattern of learned behaviour carried into later life. One that may often seem okay, because you can continue to have a successful external life – get married, have a successful career, etc., while having a high tolerance to your own internal distress or discomfort. In fact, often your people pleasing behaviour may be appreciated & rewarded by others. There are some common signs that a person tends towards a fawn, or people-pleasing, response, such as:
Though the fawn response is initially an attempt at survival, it is maladaptive to a healthy and balanced life, as is any habitual response. To abandon oneself to appease others and prevent conflict, is to lose any sense of true agency, in addition to preventing any experience of true intimacy. Something that can be particularly challenging if you have grown up in a family or culture where the needs of the individual are deemed less important than those of the collective. In therapy, you can learn about your specific trauma response and how it is used as a means of coping with triggers and stress. In place of maladaptive coping behaviours, you will discover healthier ways of dealing with & processing thoughts, feeling, and memories and ultimately learn how to be in a healthier relationship with yourself, and consequently others within and outside of your own culture. This is one of the benefits of the co-dependency group I run. (see my Services tab for details) Thank you to Khiron Clinics for their contribution to this blog. . I found myself thinking about transitions this morning, and particularly that of Menopause. I am noticing more conversations about it, over the last few years, and much of that is centred on finding ways to manage the hormonal changes we go through at that time.
Not much of what I have come across refers to the simultaneous psychological, soulful changes we go through at this time. Like any transition, it is one where we often find the old no longer applies, yet we haven't quite landed into the new fully either. Just as beginning our menstrual cycle is a potent time in our teens, so is menopause. Bringing it back to the body, we move from being able to give birth to a child, to not. It is a time as a women where we have the opportunity to address our unfinished business psychologically & spiritually and move into the wholeness of our being. Marion Woodman, a Jungian Analyst, whose work I have read, says "The Crone has been missing from our culture for so long that many women, particularly young girls, know nothing of her tutelage. Young girls are not initiated in our society by older women into womanhood with its accompanying dignity and power." An absence I felt keenly in my teens, growing up, in many ways, though I also had a mentor who did share some of her wisdom. For me menopause was a transition I experienced as one of liberation, seeing the hot flushes as burning off the dross of that which was no longer relevant. I also found myself caring less about things I once deemed important.....in terms of attractiveness, and many other things along the way. I found myself enjoying a more grounded experience of my own self, a greater sense of certainty in my own choices, doing things I could not have imagined prior and a deepening into my own being that allowed for an expanding bliss, and sense of peace. I have always enjoyed being a woman, and have realised in many ways my relationship with my body hasn't been as tortured as many.. My mother struggled considerable through menopause, and I recall feeling at that time, it was indicative of her tendency to have bottled so much of her emotions throughout her life. Consequently, I paid attention to my own experience, and noticed other women's experiences with whom I came into contact....the more disconnected from her own emotional/feeling authentic nature, the greater the struggle during this passage, it seemed to me. If you chose to be a mother, it can be a time when you are experiencing empty nest, and the loss of a role that has been a big part of your identity till now. It is normal to experience a sense of loss, sadness, and uncertainty about your sense of self. Allowing the process to unfold, without feeling compelled to do something concrete about it, giving yourself time to discover what is seeking to emerge at this time, is a wonderful gift of love. Therapy or coaching can be part of that process. Feel free to reach out with any queries, and wishing you an enjoyable day. In the dawning of a new day, before the noise of the day starts, there is an opportunity to be in the quiet, to receive from the heart & soul of you, to feel your own essence, that which is real and forgotten in the busy-ness.
Breathe. Allow. It is natural, and yet in the norming, it has been forgotten. Not to be is Doing. Something the mind loves! "Look at what I have done"........look at what I have accomplished. How effective I am, how good, because I do. I am enough. In the actualizing of this, I rest in the peace of me. I have all I need. I am emotionally fulfilled, and I seek nothing from another. Breathe. Accept things as they are, including yourself. You are enough. Allow your Soul to show you, because, you don't know what you don't know. Breathe. Receive on the in breath, release on the out breath. What a gift to self, the deep conscious breath. You are enough. With love during this festive season, Xanthe One of the things I have learnt in running codependency groups, for roughly 4years, realised the many ways in which I have been corded to people, on subtle levels, or grosse ones....the preoccupation with other. The clarity has emerged in a new way, this last year, through contrasting experiences I have had in running & participating in group.
It is for this reason, I agree with the tenet of the Anonymous fellowship in that we need to have a relationship with something higher than our own ego. For, if the only way we are seeing the world is through that lens, it is a limited one. For me, this is where fostering a conscious relationship with soul comes in. We are mind, body, soul, heart. Yet our busy lives, often keep us operating from the mind. The mind loves busy, it feels a sense of accomplishment, another task done, completed. And yet, it is never full-filled. It is constantly wanting more. That dopamine (happiness, pleasure) hit! It often reminds me of the Pacman game! Gobble, gobble, gobble! I started to rewatch a series I had seen a few years ago, The OA, and in the first episode she's having a conversation with a young 17year old man, saying, something like, "I can see you have done a lot of work on creating a beautiful visible self, but what about your invisible self?" Many of the things encouraged by society as indicators of success (the house, the family, having kids, successful career etc), are externally focused. It doesn't make them bad, YET, more often than not, they come at the cost of our own internal wellbeing. A young client recently told me, I thought being in a relationship would solve all my problems. I know that is a common belief. The truth is changing the relationship with myself, inviting a more conscious relationship with my Soul, is the thing that has made all the difference. I started to take more responsibility for my own actions, and less for others, noticing how life brought me the reflections of my own self in evolution. True freedom only comes from within and requires nothing external to make it TRUE.....though the life that will unfold is beyond your wildest dreams. Remember YOU are more than you THINK. Wishing you an enjoyable Thursday! In September I did a short workshop on basket weaving, I then found myself at Spotlight looking for some raffia and spotted some knitting needles and a couple of balls of yarn. I hadn't knitted since I was a teenager, and was excited to have a go, not overly preoccupied with whether I would remember how to knit.....knowing I could find a video on YouTube.
The basket never got finished....yet....the knitting led to a delightful unfolding of scarfs.....being curious along the way of colours I wanted to use, new stitches to experiment with, and a continuing JOY in seeing the finished product!! It all unfolded very effortlessly and organically.....my drawing still continued, and I have enjoyed the added immersion in my own essence, creative expression....the flow absolutely delightful &.noticing at the same time, my body was more relaxed than ever. it is easy to focus entirely on logical, linear, doing in our world, for that is what is most often advocated, so much so, that the first thing cut in school programs are the arts, and many don't blink an eye, because we do not appreciate the full value of it. Yet there is much healing that can be found through engaging in creative expressions such as art, craft, or cooking........there's such a wide range. Once you start opening up to whatever pulls your attention, then, you can follow the breadcrumbs of your curiosity. Creative expression also moves energies in different ways, we can use it in an intentional way to develop a relationship with our soul.....and it allows for us to have a more tangible way of what it is to create with our soul. I recall at one stage with my drawings, I started to notice the way of being, tapped into through my artistic expression, started to flow into other areas of my life. It was more effortless for me to receive solutions to problems outside the box. This is a small example of how creativity can serve us so well. Especially if you work in a profession that is very linear, logical and task focused. The other simple gift of creative expression is, it allows us to start to begin to access the joy that exists within our own being, as opposed to the dopamine pleasure of addiction. Wishing you a nourishing and enjoyable weekend! and remember there is a lot going on in the world, so take time away from the news, manage your time on social media, and do something organic that nourishes you, such as time in nature, meditating....etc....some thing that moves you closer to yourself. Perhaps one of the most common and most relatable fears is this one, of change.
Who am I if I am not a father, son, brother, daughter, mother, lawyer, ......etc.....you get the idea. We love the familiarity of people, places and things, even when some of those things, people, places, cause us harm, and leave us feeling unfulfilled. In lieu of the change, we will continue to try way past the point we needed too. I recall reading in a book on marriage, that the majority of couples go to therapy, on average about 5-7years after they have been struggling with an issue/s. When I was living in NZ at one point before I started coaching I did some research on transitions, reading a number of books, and looking at Elizabeth Kubler Ross' five stages of grief, which to me seemed very apt to how it feels to go through a life transition. For, no matter what the transition is, usually it is asking us to let go of our old identity to make room for what is seeking to emerge now. It is perfectly exemplified for me in becoming a mother, the 9months gestation, is a time that the fetus develops in the womb, and the mother, starts acclimating to what is to become a mother.....and depending on her own experience within her family of origin, being pregnant will stir up feelings that have often lain dormant till then. It may feel overwhelming, uncomfortable, and the experience of these unexpected feelings may well cause a wobble or two. The experience we choose to have is seldom the one we do have, when we actually experience it. I can tell you what it is like to dance with my soul, but, it will be rhetoric, hyperbole to you, until you get conscious, and have your own experience of it. Then, we'll talk for hours. The thing that really came home to me, in doing the research on transitions is that change is always uncomfortable for a part of us. Regardless of whether it is something as delightful as having a child. An adult educator whose workshops I participated in, did her PhD on the difference between those who achieved goals and those who didn't, controlling for many of the qualities many believe you need to have to be successful, and found the only difference was constant & consistent action. Simple. And yet, we have so many judgements about ourselves, and try and recruit others to our course, when in actual fact, we have not or are unwilling to take the step/s to back our self to move towards what we want. We are always more than we think we are, which is usually reduced to the rational mind. As we open to the different parts of ourselves, invite our Soul into our life, connect with our body from the neck down, everything starts to change. But, all this takes time, our willingness to attend to our internal world, and to make the changes that are calling to us. No one can do it for us. It's one day, one step at a time. . Self- care is certainly something there is more talk about these days...it probably ramped up in use during the lockdown experience, and has since continued. With all that is going on in the world, the constancy of it, changes afoot, and impacts on the individual and collective....it is easy to become overwhelmed.
Here are some things to be mindful of considering the above: * limit the amount of time you spend watching the news, not much happens in a day, limit it to every other day. * in addition, put limits on the amount of time you spend on devices, social media, podcasts, etc. When you add that to the fact many in the workforce are sitting in front of a screen, that's a lot of time engaging with artificial environments. * caring for one Self, should be something that is nourishing, fill your cup, allowing your body to recuperate, recover, from the stresses of life. Spending time in nature is one of the most natural ways to fill your cup, as is meditating, receiving a massage, acupuncture, drawing, engaging in a playful activity.. Another part of self-care is boundaries: Boundaries are a way of deciding what is and isn't okay with you, and then, letting the other know. It takes courage in some relationships to verbalise those, and then, there is the job of maintaining or reinforcing them. This is often most challenging in long term relationships, where the boundaries are being applied for the first time. I have found in such cases needing to reinforce those boundaries and if the person continues to disrespect them, deciding whether I want to continue having a relationship with them, or limit the nature of the relationship, as part of my own self care. Self-care is also becoming aware of our own behaviours ones which cause .us harm (self-sabotage). For example, at one stage in my life I had a habit of saying yes to helping someone out, without thinking, and then, get resentful because I had overcommitted myself. My habit wasn't serving my wellbeing, so I started buying time, and asking the person if I could get back to them. That gave me the space to think about whether I could do what they were asking, if I even wanted too, and if I even had the time. Just some of my thoughts on self-care this beautiful winters day here in Sydney! Wishing you an enjoyable weekend, and I would love to hear of anything you would like to share regarding the above. I go for lovely walks with my neighbour, who has become a friend, and we chat about all sorts of things. This morning we were chatting about recognising roles we have played in our lives, and when they no longer served us. You see, some roles we have played from such a young age it feels as if it is who we are, and often we get affirmed for the qualities associated with that role, so we make it our identity, THIS is me.
And then, one day, we start to feel a rumble, a rumble that moves through many moments, and starts to rub at the edges. We start feeling resentful, unsatisfied and restricted by this role. Most often though, for most of us, it is usually when the demands of the role become all encompassing, and ongoing, leaving us run down, and overwhelmed, that we reach a point of wanting to do things differently. When the distress in the familiar becomes greater than the fear of change, the fire of transformation is ignited, and we begin the process of getting more conscious about who we are. Once we start to see, to step out of the box of our perceptions, we begin to discover new possibilities and ways of perceiving ourselves and the world. There's no two ways about it, this is an uncomfortable process. A process in which our reactions become more pronounced, sometimes to things we have been entirely okay with till now. What's wrong with me? we ask ourselves. And sometimes that gets echoed in comments from friends or family. What's up with you lately? The out-fit, no longer fits! But, you can't quite find the words, you're not sure what's going on, you just know that what once made you happy no longer does. This is where therapy can be helpful, for it is about you. A safe space to explore, and discover what is seeking to emerge from within you. It may be the first time in your life, you start to explore your inner world.....to establish a relationship with your unconscious. To make that which is hidden known and that will over time, lead to more conscious choices. I recently had the pleasure of working with someone whose goal is inner peace, which to me can also be stated as congruence between heart, mind, body & soul. In order to arrive at that destination, we need to get conscious and getting conscious begins by being honest with ourselves about our reactions, our intentions, one day, one step at a time. Wishing you an enjoyable and nourishing weekend! Warmly, Xanthe This past few weeks, I have enjoyed the presence of more rainbows, sparkles, and a festive atmosphere, with Mardi Gras and World Pride occurring in our beautiful city at the same time.
It has me thinking of the art of being ourselves, and how it's not always an easy thing.....in some shape or form, it is a universal journey. I hear more frequently these days people talking about wanting to connect or find their authentic self. Feeling confused as to what that might be or how to find it. So much so, that it can become its own mental conundrum. Often the coping mechanism is to become more attached to playing certain roles, ones that allow us to protect ourselves and to survive the experiences of our lives. These roles will become so comfortable, often concretised, we will call them our identity and in so doing, dismiss parts of ourselves that don't fit the mould. Another thing that happens when we put most time and energy into only a facet of our identity, for example, work as that is a popular one, we take those qualities into our personal life where they don't work for us, The reality is our Western society makes it easy to stay in this place of disconnect, as it has a limited definition of success - buy the house; get a 'good' job, that pays well, travel lots, have kids, etc. one that primarily exalts achievement, big and better. That most often comes at a cost, a busy life, leaves little room for being, for the development of a relationship with our Soul (heart & feeling world) and our body. I will save the dreams of my truest desires for when I retire, I hear some say. So, we get lost. And our relationships aren't gratifying or fulfilling and we feel like we're on a treadmill. This is why I think the act of self love, is such a courageous one. It takes courage to embrace all the different parts of ourselves - the good, the bad & the ugly, and know we are enough, and loveable. These acts of emotional honesty, and the willingness to tend too, and care for the different parts of self, takes effort and energy, attention and focus. There are no quick fixes, for habits of a lifetime do not change overnight. The fact we expect or want quick fixes is the symptom of a mental paradigm. With clients who come to me for addiction issues I have often responded, it is the desire for a quick fix, that has led to the development of your addictions. Real healing takes time. And most of all, a big dose of acceptance (love in action). The more we are able to accept things and ourselves exactly as we are, the more energies move and our life changes. As a wise person said, what you resist, persists. Self care is allowing yourself to feel those emotions that arise, to come to completion/resolution, regardless how uncomfortable. The more you are willing to do this, to love & nurture yourself, the more you will discover an emerging new vitality and engagement with life. The choice is yours. Every day, you have another opportunity, to take one step towards loving yourself, it can be as simple as the deep conscious breath. Love always, Xanthe |
AuthorI am a Counsellor, Psychotherapist, Curious adventurer of life. Archives
March 2024
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